The Farce Is Strong With This One / Dive Into Disney’s Dark Side

So after swearing I would never watch another one of these big budget cinematic abortions after walking out of The Last Jedi and binging on the bad reviews for Rise of Skywalker, this masochist had see this unholy clusterfuck for himself. After all, I rationalized, it’s not as though Mystery Science Theater would ever be granted permission to properly mock this shit. No, it was up to me. And, well, it was actually almost okay.

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The Rise of Skywalker / The Fall of Star Wars

This is not a review. I haven’t seen the movie. Rather, I have been binging reviews by critical film connoisseurs all descending into downward spirals of exasperated madness as they recount their despairing experiences of the movie … because I’m sick that way. They drink so I don’t have to. And after The Last Jedi there was no way I was giving Disney another wad of cash to waste more of my time with yet another one of these boring big screen disasters. Unsurprising but a shame nonetheless.

How difficult is it to honor the legacy of the storied past while exploring exciting new opportunities it has lead to peppered with the spectacle of sorcery, dogfights, war machines and epic laser sword duels? It takes effort to fuck up a gift like that!

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Death by Disney / Losing Star Wars to The Dark Side

So I fulfilled my destiny and gave Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi not a watch so much as a long (2.5 hours), concerned stare. And it is with sad disappointment that I must say it continues what’s become a trend in this saga of sucking mightily; which, in and of itself, wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t shitting all over something of priceless sentimental value.

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