Alex Jones Gives Shirt Off His Back To Help Homeless Transgender Youth

Austin, TX — head of the multinational news conglomerate, InfoWars, and mainstream media magnate, Alex Jones, has pledged to literally give the shirt off his back to homeless transgender teens.

Continue reading Alex Jones Gives Shirt Off His Back To Help Homeless Transgender Youth

Lazy Liberals Line Up For Sweet Soros Money

Katonah, NY — Outside the quaint Blue Dolphin Diner the first Monday of the month, throngs of jobless loafers wait patiently – many of them stoned on the drugs, some plucking guitars or slapping bongo drums – for their handouts from liberal mega-donor, George Soros.

Continue reading Lazy Liberals Line Up For Sweet Soros Money

Flying Monkey Autopsy: The Hatchet Man

When I was first introduced to Mother’s boy-husband, Motherfucker, in my early teens, he was a chill dude. Pulled up in a Volkswagon van, followed The Grateful Dead. Earlier same day her and a co-worker of theirs – I think his name was Bernie or something, had a lazy eye – were tonguing their goodbyes as she had apparently settled on this one of many suitors. That’s how chill Motherfucker was. And, when he was stoned, he returned to that chill, half-decent state of human-beingness. It was almost nice.

But as the years with Mother progressed, he became an increasingly neurotic, insecure, extremely passive-aggressive rageaholic. Even when Mother visited with female friends, this guy would take a day off work to monitor her behavior. Her friends hated him. My friends hated him. In the mornings, he would just silently glare at me with this angry eye I could see through the crack between my partly opened bedroom door and the frame, clenching his jaw. Weird. My siblings and I would make ourselves scarce when he arrived home from work because we didn’t know what kind of mood he would be in but a bad mood was a safe bet. He didn’t like us and moved out once because he couldn’t stand us.

Continue reading Flying Monkey Autopsy: The Hatchet Man

Senator Al Franken Reassures Donald Trump That He’s Good Enough, He’s Smart Enough and, Doggone It, People Like Him

WASHINGTON — With the imminent meltdown of Donald Trump into an existential crisis over the paltry size of the his withered inauguration crowd – what he’s described as a “sea of love,” Senator Al Franken (D – MN) has reluctantly agreed to reassure the 45th president that he’s good enough, he’s smart enough and that people like him.

Continue reading Senator Al Franken Reassures Donald Trump That He’s Good Enough, He’s Smart Enough and, Doggone It, People Like Him

Donald Trump Taps Gary Busey To Lead Voter Fraud Investigation

Washington DC — President Donald Trump has hired actor, Gary Busey, to head his investigation into reports of widespread voter fraud that the newly sworn-in president believes robbed him of the the popular vote.

Continue reading Donald Trump Taps Gary Busey To Lead Voter Fraud Investigation

Weapon of Mass Distraction

When 2016 Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley called Donald Trump a carnival barker, he couldn’t have been more right. And this empty suit’s inane, incessant barking – or tweeting, rather – and the rest of the Trump sideshow featuring Americans’ worst impulses is broadcast at me as breaking news, sponsored by pharmaceuticals one might be tempted to, indeed, ask our doctors about in order to cope with this bullshit — at least while we can afford to before congressional Republicans take away taxpayers access to healthcare … again. Yes, pay no attention to those boring legislators quietly pulling levers and pushing buttons behind the curtain over there in dull old Washington. No, here’s the latest incendiary statement from Donald Trump and reactions to it from very important people whose opinions you must care about. Can you believe it!? How exciting! Have some more! There’s always more.

Continue reading Weapon of Mass Distraction

Forgiveness and the Doormat Effect

To err is human. To forgive is divine, but to repeat is stupid.

For those of us estranged from our families during the family fetishized holidays shoring up the end of the year, the pressure to forgive and forget can be especially pronounced. Society at large tells us that – to borrow a turn of phrase from the poet, Alexander Pope – to err is human; to forgive, divine. And that the victim is the perpetrator, the betrayer, the pariah should forgiveness be withheld — to be pitied, subjected to public scorn and, ironically, unforgiven for being unwilling to forgive. Rather than emphasis on understanding and compassion, this is institutionalized blaming of the victim that I think most of us were raised to believe, wrongly.

Continue reading Forgiveness and the Doormat Effect

Rise of the Vengeance Voter

For decades Republicans have turned out so-called family values voters but none have excited these people more than Donald Trump. These are the people Barack Obama referred to during his 2008 presidential campaign who “get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.” The people Hillary Clinton referred to during her 2016 presidential campaign as a “basket of deplorables.” Both candidates backtracked but their assessments of an angry, fearful, ignorant undercurrent in America – turned outright riptide of naked hatred by Donald Trump – is, unfortunately, spot on.

Continue reading Rise of the Vengeance Voter

Winter Illumination: Let’s Keep Christmas Lights Until Easter

One of my favorite features of the holiday season is Christmas lights. They’re like a cheerful “fuck you” to what is otherwise the darkest, bleakest, coldest, dirtiest, deadliest, most expensive and yet least prosperous time of year.

Continue reading Winter Illumination: Let’s Keep Christmas Lights Until Easter