This video resonated with me in many respects: the mother who remains a victim of her own childhood, who emasculates her son’s father in front of him, who hates her son’s girlfriends, her son’s fear of abandonment fostering dependency, his confusion, anger, etc. and how to take responsibility and begin healing in a way the mother never did.
I’ve been on that prescription for awhile now, heartache has faded, confusion has ebbed, anger has waned and I feel a lot better than I used to. No doubt, no contact has helped.
Sure, I still find Mother trying to follow me on social media sometimes and her occasional minion will cut loose with something truly bizarre sounding that I’m missing context for that they’ve been misled to think I must have as though I’m part of a conversation that I’m only just hearing about, and only one side of at that. But, mostly, I’m left alone and I’m grateful for that small blessing.
It’d be better if Mother and I could have a more normal, healthy relationship; one where she’s not skulking about on the periphery, talking shit about me to others behind my back and destroying my relationships with those people — but there’s no way to reconcile with someone who does this (nor anyone who lets them) without losing yourself to them. No contact becomes the least of bad options in such circumstance. Burn the bridge. Save yourself.
For the most part, I’m past looking for information and validation but videos from a handful of channels from that point in my life continue to appear in my feed and one still hooks me now and again. In spite of repeated exposure to strangers repeating my own experiences back to me, it still feels unbelievable that they’re able to as though a part of me wants to be wrong about the meat hook reality of all this.