I think straight guys — especially those planning on nuptial agreements with the love of their life (whatever number she may be) — should support gay marriage. My reason is simple: divorce.
Chances are, you are going to have one and when you do the fairy tale magic of marriage is going to fade into a legal nightmare wherein the woman of your dreams and quite possibly the mother of your children is going to take half, if not more, of your hard-earned property, your children, a regular chunk of your paycheck for child support (presumably for your children though it will probably be spent on her new boyfriend), a huge chunk of your pension (assuming you have one) and, depending on the wonderful state you wed in and how long you were married, another chunk of your paycheck for alimony (or vaginamony
, as it's better known) to continue paying for the roof over her head (that she more than likely won from you and is now sharing with her boyfriend who no longer has to sneak in while you're at work) and the food in her face that you provided for her in exchange for exclusive privilege of penetrating her all those long, happy, sex-on-demand-filled years when you forced her to be a stay-at-home slave and stood in the way of her getting a better paying job than you have, you chauvinistic pig you. Welcome to the American court system where women are regularly rewarded as victims and men are regularly punished as abusers, judged not by mitigating factors of each individual situation but by a stereotype gender-bias that continues to linger on in a society where gender discrimination is politically incorrect — at least when the discrimination is against a woman.
Unfortunately, it's still considered justice when it's against a man, any man. One need only hear the cheers of approval by women when a man gets the short end of the stick, whether justified or not, and the inevitable follow-up commentary about how this victory
is important for womens rights to see this fact demonstrated in frightening clarity. Only a group of womens liberation feminazis, their sagging naked bodies fearsomely painted with tribal goddess symbols in their own menstrual blood, parading pairs of impaled testicles mercilessly torn from the so-called victimizers
while they march angrily through the streets would be clearer.
The playing field is beginning to level somewhat with man whores like K-Fed and Howard K. Stern hitching their wagons to successful women but the books are slow to catch onto social trends and no man should depend on them doing so on their own.
I suggest that gender discrimination that is reflected in our legal institutions be resolved by taking them to task with same-sex betrothed and, subsequently, divorcing couples thereby exposing the problem and allowing for correction. Think about it. Who gets the children when both parents are men? What about two women, especially if the biological mother works and her partner is the nurturer that stays home with the children? How do you split up the property? Gender is rendered meaningless, as it should be, by same-sex couples and could not enter into the answers to any of these and other divorce court decisions. This would bode well for divorcing heterosexual husbands by demonstrating that the roles of victim and abuser do not favor one gender or the other, thereby helping to reduce the bias based on such assumptions and giving soon-to-be-unmarried men, in general, a more even-handed chance when that good-to-be-rid-of ex-wife sobs about cold nights alone in the very house he bought that she's fighting him tooth and nail for.
Now, it has come to my attention that many straight men oppose gay marriage, males in particular, because they are uncomfortable with if not outright hostile towards the idea of two men having sex with one another. Maybe that they think that gay men will lust after them and they won't be able to fend off their advances — an issue that straight women deal with on almost a daily basis with straight men. Does that mean a man with this phobia is, um ... on the receiving end in this fantasy, er ... fear; his colon all aquiver, sphincter secretly twitching with shameful yet excited anticipation of being penetrated with a throbbing, swollen, forbidden phallus? Judging by the what Jon Stuart of Comedy Central's The Daily Show calls the anti-gay buffet
in reference to key members of conservative, pro-family organizations whose homosexual exploits have been exposed in the media — with hilarious irony, I might add — the answer is a cocksure yes, very much so,
despite their, ahem ... stiff opposition. Not to mention that studies have been conducted that measured arousal by penis girth demonstrating a correlation that the more anti-homosexual men reported being the more aroused they became when observing male same-sex acts. And don't even talk to me about sanctity of marriage and religious objections to homosexuality unless you first also abstain from divorce, eating shellfish or animals with cloven hooves, going anywhere near women when they are unclean
during the month, Christmas trees, beating your slaves, letting women make decisions, sacrificing sick animals to God, working on the Sabbath, and so on and so forth down that long list of shalt nots. Besides what red blooded man finds two smoking hot women making love or lust or whatever to be repulsive, honestly?
However a man feels about homosexuality, it's not my intention to change his mind or anything else for that matter. If a man deplores homosexuality in his life then that's the way it is but I would implore him and men in general to think not of what other consenting adults are doing to each other behind closed doors (why would you want to anyway?) and, instead, to think of themselves. The bitches that many men find themselves chained to in unholy matrimony pose far more of a real threat to their lifestyles than any spooky homosexual bogey men butt pirates ever could or would. There are no good reasons for husbands to want to deny their gay neighbors their rightful, equal entitlement as Americans to experience the same misery and suffering that they do as married men. And by supporting gay marriage, straight guys will be lending de facto support to mens rights to gender equality and might just kiss their gay divorce lawyers thank you when they're spared a raping by the system simply for being men.
In that circumstance, kissing a man doesn't make you gay. Just gleeful.
